Negativity bias

I am a social creature.  I enjoy the company of others and have always made an effort to maintain friendships despite living on the far side of the planet from the people I knew growing up.

Technology makes this much easier to achieve than in times past.  Facebook means we can keep up with the smaller details of others' lives and Skype affords us cost-free face-to-face interactions whenever both parties are at the computer, which is most if the time.  Still, there's no substitute for being in a room with a friend so that's how I spent much of my time in Sydney last week.

As I've mentioned earlier when an ex-pat comes home after an extended absence a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't mechanism kicks in.  As with any scenario where resources are finite (i.e. my time in this case) but demand is practically infinite, a zero-sum game develops.  Time spent catching up with one person is unavailable for any other purpose be it work, sleep, exercise or seeing someone else.  This fact is as obvious as it is brutal but its very obviousness creates a different, more subtle problem.

Most of my friends and family in Australia lead successful (read: boring) lives so these one-on-one catch-ups often turn out to be boring conversations that go something like this: -

Me: So how's everything with you?
Old Friend: Great.
Me: Family?
OF: Great.
Me: Job?
OF: Great.
Me: Parents.  How're your parents doing?
OF: Good...

Quickly pressure starts to mount under the conversation.  We both feel it.  After all I've made time for this one person to the exclusion of all others and we can't seem to lift the discussion out of bourgeois banality.  My old friend feels the need to somehow sing for her supper so she drags something out of left field: -

OF: Did you hear about my sister-in-law?
Me: No.  I don't think I know her.
OF: Oh, I'm sure you would've met her at something.  Anyway, her father has been diagnosed with Parkinson's.
Me: That's dreadful.  It must be very hard on everyone.
OF: Well, they live in Melbourne so we don't really see them that much but it has been hard on my brother.
Me: I think I might remember meeting him at your wedding...

We've moved on from personal banality to surveying the horizons of our person existence for second- or even third-hand suffering to make sure that our time together isn't wasted and by the end of the catch-up we're both a little exhausted.  An entire week of this can leave a guy not only wrung-out but thoroughly depressed as a negativity bias kicks in.  I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not getting a true snapshot of anyone's life.

We want our friends to be there to support us through the bad times so maybe there's a tendency to road-test the disaster scenarios that lie in each of our futures just to see how it feels.  Of course when the truly bad stuff has been and gone we joke about it.  The easiest, funniest conversations to have are the ones where there's true sadness at the heart of the story: -

OF: Did you hear what happened when my Dad got arrested?
Me: No!  I never even heard he'd been in trouble!
OF: It's hilarious really.  Anyway we get this strange call from my stepmother late at night...

All of this effort and analysis is a poor substitution for propinquity but it's all we ex-pats have to offer.